Mary and the Troll
by RosesnWater
Summary: A parody of Beauty and the Beast where a troller who has been turned into an actual troll must realize that deep within the most boring and annoying of one dimensional character's there is goodness and love while a Mary Sue will find that perfection is not all it's cracked up to be.
1. Prologue

**Please don't judge me for this, this is just an idea I made up with my sister RueXMytholover, we ask that you do not associate this with any of our present fanfic's because honestly this is a brain fart, and a pretty bad one at that. Troll's feel free to troll this.**

Once upon a time...

In a faraway land, a handsome, powerful, well known troller lived in the refurnished basement of his parent's mansion. Although he had all the newest apple products the troller was relentless, needlessly sarcastic and a douche. But then, one Friday night, he was sent the link to a new Fanfic that hadn't gotten a single bad comment, despite the awful summary. Repulsed by the lack of trolling, the troll sneered at the Fanfic and wrote a scathing flame without so much as reading a word. The author's note warned him not be deceived by a bad summary for a good story is found within. And when he posted the flame, the horrific summary melted away to reveal a live video chat with TrudiRose. The troller tried to delete his flame but it was too late for she had seen there was no perspective in his views.

"Thus" she commanded, "because of the flame you sent before reading, I curse you." She raised a glowing finger to the screen, "Until you learn to love an author and the beauty within every story, you will remain as much a troll on the outside as you are on the inside."

And as punishment she transformed him into a hideous _real_ troll and placed a powerful spell on the basement and all the products. Ashamed of his troll-like form, the troll concealed himself inside his basement, (which he typically did anyway) with a magic web cam as his only window to the outside world. The Fanfic he had flamed, was truly an enchanted Fanfic which would be updated until his first year on the site. If he could learn to love and appreciate an author and earn their love and appreciation in return by the time the last update was posted, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a troll for all time. As the weeks past, he fell into despair and lost all hope, for who could ever learn to love a troll.

**Cus' I mean seriously, who **_**likes**_** to be FLAMED by a TROLL! ****trololololol... ****I haven't been awfully flamed until this day, in fact people reviewing my fanfics have been unnaturally kind, I just thought it was a funny idea and it just didn't leave my head :P I have a sneaking suspicion though, after this I am most definitely going to get flamed.**

**Trudirose has also let me use her and her penname as the Enchantress, however if she does not approve I will be changing the name.**

**Anywho...yes this is a short chapter and I will be updating more often than not, however this is not just going to follow DIsney's beauty and the beast with a few word changes, I'm planning on deviating a bit when it comes to the character experiences, but not too much**


	2. LOL

**Yay chapter two**

**Note: not all the people in 'Sue' are Sues and because this is kinda like a fairytale with computers and internet and stuff there are some magical dimensions to it. **

**-to better express the idea of a Sue getting together with a troller I made it so that the Mary writes about sues in her fanfics but she IS also a Sue in real life.**

Mary and the Troll

In a small village named Sue, all the villagers were kind, polite and quite possibly the most talented and beautiful of all people. However, they seemed to lack certain characteristics, which was fine for the most part except for many people who did not live in the village named Sue could not stand the Fanfic's that the villagers posted because of the boring plotlines and the one dimensional characters. In this village there lived Mary Sue who was a bright young girl with tones of options, an attractive figure, a beautiful face and a kind soul. She was also pursued by all the men in town, specifically Mr. Gary Stew who was also the most wonderful man in town which was saying something because he was the most perfect of the perfect. They would have been the most flawless couple if Mary Sue hadn't felt that something was missing from her life.

During this day Mary Sue was walking to the town and decided to strike up a song, hoping, despite the catchy tune she would no start a public sing along like the last time.

"_American town, like a global village, everyday like the one before, American town, full of internet people, signing on to type..._"

"Lol ;)"

"ROFL"

"OMG"

"Bonjour."

"WTF."

Mary looked around pleasantly and skipped daintily through the town as she began to sing with her unbelievably gorgeous voice.

"_There goes the blogger with his words like always, the same ideas and thoughts to sell. Every morning's just the same, since the morning that we came, to this one perspective town._" Mary began to prance elegantly towards the blogger with her bright purple eyes sparkling in the early morning sunlight.

"_Good morning Mary!_"

"That's Ms. Mary Eloisa Princess, Raven, Legolas, Malfoy, Star Sue, please." The blogger stared awkwardly at Mary, Mary paused.

"Uh—I mean, _Goodmorning Mr."_

"_Where you off too?_"

Mary smiled kindly and began to take out her tablet, "_the Cyber Cafe, I just read the most lovely Fanfic about a beanstalk and an Ogre and—_"

"_That's nice,_" suddenly the blogger turns quickly away from Mary, "_Amy the pamphlets! Hurry up!_"

Mary shrugged quite happily and began to head down the street while reading her screen as more villager's began to join in the song, singing quite wonderfully with their superb voices.

_"Look there she goes, that girl is sweet no question, pure and perfection can't you tell?"_

_"Never apart of any clique."_

_"But her fanfic has tones of hits."_

_"No denying she's a perfect girl, that Mary."_

Mary jumped quite elegantly onto the back of a wagon as she looked around at the people coming out from their houses as they texted and partook in the singing.

"_Heya!_"

"_Mornin'!_"

"_How is your Fanfic?_"

"L-O-L"

"Wtf"

"_How is your wireless?_"

_"I need six gigs."_

_"That's too expensive."_

_"There must be more that this one perspective life!" _Mary Sue gracefully jumped off the wagon and headed into the Cyber Cafe.

"Ah, Mary," the man at the counter smiled pleasantly, he was old but kind and never gave up hope that the people of Sue would learn how to be _less _perfect.

"Good morning! I've come to use your wireless again."

"Finished reading that Fanfic already?"

"I couldn't turn it off," Mary Sue giggled pleasantly, "Is there anything new posted."

The manager laughed lightly, "Not since yesterday."

"That's all right I'll look at... this one!" She pointed to the image frozen on her screen

"That one? But you've read it twice!"

"It's my favourite," she gushed, as her baby blue eyes fluttered with whimsy, "developed character's, sophisticated language, wonderful grammar, and am interesting plot!"

The manager chuckled and turned on the wireless so the signal covered the entire town. "Well if you like it all that much, enjoy the wireless, I insist."

Mary's scarlet eyes lighted up with excitement as she pulled out her tablet and left the Cyber Cafe, "Well thank you. Thank you very much!"

Mary Sue was use to stalkers but she was a little surprised to see them men staring at her through the window as she left the Cafe. She ignored them quite well but they too began to sing, along with the rest of the villagers, about how wonderful she was.

"_Look there she goes, that girl is so a-mazing! I wonder if she'd date with me!" _

Mary looked over her shoulder awkwardly and began to quicken her pace as she followed the street to the center of the village, but the villagers only started the song once more as they saw her coming round the corner.

"_With pretty golden eyes-"_

_"It's not a big surprise-"_

_"That she really is a perfect girl, that Mary_"

Mary Sue sat down by the fountain as she flipped the virtual pages of the fanfic.

"_Oh! Isn't this pair amazing! It's my favourite shipping cus' you'll see! Here's where she meets Dra-co, but she won't kiss him 'til chapter three._"

A woman posting an update smiled at Mary Sue as Mary crossed in front of the window, reading the story.

_"Now it's no wonder that she's such a beauty, her looks have got no parallel."_

_"Behind, that gorgeous face,"_ added in the scholar, finishing his masters on a park bench, _"the intelligence of a master race. Perfect like the rest of us-"_

The other town people began to add in_ "More perfect than the rest of us-"_

_"Most perfect out of all of us... is Mary!"_

Ahead of Mary there was some random gun shooting, and handsome bad-boy Gary Stew, stepped out of his jet black Ferrari smiling dashingly, his sidekick Stew following closely in his footsteps.

_"Wow! You didn't miss a single troll, Gary! You're the greatest gangster in the whole world." _

Gary Stew smiled devilishly and cocked his gone before shooting it once more at a passing person that was sending a flame to one of his fanfics._ "I know."_

_"No troll stands a chance against you and no super hot babe either."_

_"It's true, Stew, and I got my sight set on that one!"_ Gary pointed the gun towards Mary, accidentally shooting it right above her head and hastily tucking it away back in to his belt.

Mary Sue looked around suspiciously but had not seen anyone so she began reading the Fanfic again.

_"The Novelist's daughter?"_ Stew said with surprise in his voice.

"_She's the one! The lucky girl I'm going to marry," _smirked Gary Stew. Despite his badassness, his lack of commitment and the fact that he was doing a different girl every other day, Mary was the only girl Gary was willing to marry because she was the most perfect of all the girls in Sue.

_"But she's-"_ Stew tried to protest but was interrupted by Gary's beautiful, melodious voice.

_"The most perfect girl in town!"_ Gary declared as he looked over his shoulder at Mary.

_"I know-"_

_"And that makes her the best. And don't I deserve the best?"_ Gary asked threateningly.

_"Well of course, I mean you do, but I mean..."_ Gary had grabbed Stew and dropped him to look in a passing mirror.

_"Right from the moment when I met her, saw her," _he began singing into the mirror as he looked at his wonderful reflection, "_I said she's gorgeous and I fell. Here in town there's only she, who is just as perfect as me, so I'm making plans to woo and marry..." _Gary paused and thought over his monologue, _"Uh—Mary."_

Gary looked up to find Mary had left her spot and began to look about the town, finally spotting her and stomping after her in his black leather jacket, hair flowing in the wind.

The beautiful triplet sisters who were all in love with Gary Stew began to sing as he sauntered by,_ "Look there, he goes, isn't he dreamy, Mr. Gary Stew, oh he's so hot. Be still my heart, I'm hardly breathing."_ They began to shout as Gary Stew continued without noticing them, _"He's such a tall, dark, strong and handsome badass."  
_As the singing voices of the town's people got louder, Mary's wondrous voice sung over them, _"There must be more than this one-perspective life!"_

_"Just watch I'm going to make Mary my wife!"_ Gary Stew shouted as well, just ducking behind the crowd as Mary looked awkwardly over her shoulder.

_"Look there she goes a girl who's cute and special. A most amazing piece of work. It's a pity and a sin, why couldn't I have been-"_

_"she really is the perfect girl-"_

_"a beauty and a flawless pearl-"_

_"Really the most perfect girl! That Mary!" _

"Lolz."

Mary turned around quickly a perplexed look upon her bright sunny face, but the villagers had already gone back to their texting.

Gary Stew had just enough time to jump from his hiding place, and land perfectly right in front of Mary. "Heya Mary."

"Hello Gary," she said with disinterest, her perfectly emerald eyes still trained on her tablet. Gary saw how interested she was in the fanfic and took the tablet out of her hands before she could finish it.  
"Gary, may I have my tablet, please?" she asked cheerfully.

Gary smirked as he flipped through a couple of the chapters, "How can you read this? It has hardly any descriptors!"

"Well, some people don't need fifty descriptors." Mary added in smartly and tried to grab her tablet back but was stopped when Gary pulled it away again.

"Mary, it's about time you got your head out of those types of fanfics and pay attention to more important ones...like mine."  
The triplet sisters sighed and fanned themselves as they watched Gary walk around Mary.

"The whole town's talking about it," added Gary, "you and I should hook up and make a sexy fanfic together." Gary began to smile cunningly and threw a muscular arm around Mary's soft pink shoulders, ruffling her fiery orange hair.

"Hey, whaddya say you and me take a walk over to the Cyber Cafe and have a look at all the people I've flamed."

"Maybe some other time," Mary tried to say politely, her perfect smile wavering. The triplets muttered in the corner with scowls plastered upon their pink pretty faces, "I have to go help my father write."

Stew laughed cruelly, "that crazy old story writer, he needs all the publishing he can get!" Stew and Gary broke out into a fit of hearty laughter, still looking wonderfully attractive as they threw back their heads and made fun of Mary's father.

Mary's azure eye twitched ever so slightly, "please don't speak of my father that way," she smiled sweetly.

"Yeah," Gary scolded Stew. "_Don't talk about her father that way._" He coughed awkwardly after chuckling to himself.

"My father's not a crazy old story writer," Mary said determinedly, her eyes flashing and looking up at the great big sky before her as if all the forces in the universe were rallying behind her, "He's a crazy old _Novelist_."

Gary and Stew looked up at Mary and her elegance as her silver curls bounced around her face and made her look like an angel.

Suddenly there was a thunderous crash from behind her; it came from inside their beautiful Swiss cabin that she had made from scratch.

Mary, eyes wide with shock, threw a delicate hand to her mouth before running towards their cabin. Gary and Stew were sniggering as she left and then went off to flirt with some new girls of whom they had no intention of calling back again because they were that badass.

**RuexMytholover: Hey! This was a lot of fun to write. I hope you are all enjoying it as much as my sister and I are. I hope that we are getting the Sueness of the characters right. Please Review! : D**

**RosesnWater: I may not be able to post many things for a very long time but I hope that you all keep with it, I can't update very frequently but I will finish it ^_^**


	3. Mary's Father, the Novelist

**It took some time to get my jump drives delivered here but I did it XD short chapter though :P**

"Oh daddy, daddy," Mary Sue exclaimed as she ran through the corridors until she found her father on his back and with his top half under the weight of an enormous bookcase.

She reached the door and was stopped dead in her tracks when she saw the horrific scene before her, "Oh daddy," Mary Sue began to tear up, "you're trapped under a bookcase."

Her father's feet were flailing wildly as he tried to push the bookcase up but found he was unable. "My dear, I am aware of that, now please, go get help...quickly."

"No worries Daddy," Mary began to pull up her sleeves and tied back her luscious violet tresses into a pony-tail, "I can lift this bookcase all on my own."

Using her slender yet powerful arms, she grabbed a hold of the bookcase, using all her might and throwing it over her shoulder where it landed perfectly in place on the opposite wall.

"Oh thank you my dear, I have forgotten that you were so talented." He smiled and hugged his daughter tightly.

"Oh Daddy I am so glad that you are alright, when I saw that bookcase on you, I-I thought," Mary began to stammer as she looked up at her old yet incredibly handsome father who had always loved his little daughter no matter what.

"I am alright sweetheart."

"But Daddy what on earth were you doing under the bookcase, I can't imagine it would be very comfortable." She shook her head and smiled admiringly up at her mentor and father.

"Oh my dear, I was not under there on purpose you know." He laughed and Mary cocked her head to the side in confusion, "I was searching for one of my old stories that I was planning on bringing to the novelists convention, unfortunately I had been reaching to high and realized I had no ladder and fell to the floor."

Mary shook her head sweetly, "Oh Daddy, you can't fly like me."

"Darling, we've been over this a thousand times…. _You. Can't. Fly_." He said sternly as if she might try jumping off the roof... again.

"Oh Daddy, I can, watch, watch me fly." She began to head for the roof, but her father grabbed her hand gently and stopped her before she got too far.

"Oh darling, I believe you, but we don't want a repeat of last time... poor sugarpuff, I miss that stuffed cat, he was always... so happy and always smiling." Her father began to tear up as he thought of the delightful little stuffy.

"Oh Daddy, don't be sad," Mary whimpered, seeing the pain on her father's face, "I miss him too, but he would have wanted you to go to the convention, I just know it."

"You are right my child," Mary's father wiped away a tear from his eye, a smile on his lips. "That is why I must find that story."

"I'll go get an aerial view by flying over the room."

"No!" he grabbed her hand again, "No, that's alright my dear; I'll just get the ladder." He smiled nervously but kept one eye on his daughter just in case.

As he began to fumble with random piles of papers, some of them stapled together and others not, looking for the ladder, he began to speak, "so how was your day today?"

"Oh, it was alright, all the guy's in town are still stalking me though, it's starting to get weird, one of them was singing to me last night from the garden."

"Oh that's what that was, he had a lovely voice don't you think? Some sort of Mexican, perhaps?" smiled the Novelist as he shuffled from one side of the room to the other.

Mary shook her head but her smile disappeared and she stared at the ground by her feet. All the other girls in Sue loved having lots of men chasing them and back when she was younger Mary enjoyed it too, however, recently she had begun to develop a dislike for all attention, she really did wish it would go away.

"Oh... yes, father, yes, they all have very lovely singing voices," She sighed and her father turned to her in surprise, usually, Mary was the happiest girl on the face of the earth.

"My sweet, what is wrong? Are you sick? Did you drink the bad milk again?" He pressed a hand against her head, feeling her temperature, careful not to press too hard on her dainty skin.

"Oh no, Daddy," she sighed again and the worry on her father's face only grew heavier, "I find all of them so perfect-"

"My dear, isn't that a good thing?" she paused, rethinking what she was saying.

"No Daddy, I suppose it is a good thing, I mean being perfect is perfect, so I should be happy to have so many perfect men chasing after me, right?"

"That's my girl… what about that Gary Stew, he's handsome and talented, he's got a great singing voice, he writes all kind of fanfiction…" Mary smiled prettily but shook her head.

"Oh he is the most perfect man Daddy, but I couldn't possibly... I just... wouldn't be worthy of him." Deep down somewhere in Mary she knew that it was a lie but her father would accept it and she wouldn't really have to explain why she disliked the idea of marrying Gary, for she had not realized why herself.

"Alright," he watched her with a quizzical expression, "If that's how you feel, but you know you can always tell me the truth."

"I know Daddy, I love you," she brought her arms around him and they hugged lovingly.

"And I love-" Her Father began but his eyes lit up and slightly tossed Mary to the side, running forward, "my story!" he exclaimed, picking up the stapled pieces of paper that been lying by one of the printing machine's, "why didn't I look there sooner?"

He smiled and stuffed it into his coat pocket, coming back to his daughter who had fallen when she had been pushed out of the way, a little confused and dizzy from the fall.

"Thanks Daddy," she smiled happily though everything still looked blurry to her, "I guess you'll be going to the convention now?"

"I suppose I shall, saddle up Ed and I'll be on my way."

"Alright, father" Mary sue smiled giddily and eagerly did as her father asked.

Mary and her father had a tearful farewell, but once they said goodbye there was no going back, no matter how much they wanted to stay together. With that Mary's father and Edwardvampirelover, a little pink and purple pony the Sue's had gotten from a wizard, were off to the convention.

Little did the pony or her father know that they were soon approaching a danger they had not dreamed of in all their most horrifying dreams.

**Well there's Mary's father, he's a bit of Sue, but not as much as Mary, I guess he might be a little more scatter brained than Sue, eh whatever, so SUE me 8D... **

**well I just earned a thousand days in purgatory for that pun T_T**

**Oh and with the mexican thing, I just thought it sounded funny like how some older people address someone by their ethnicity or whatever, don't read too much into it again, this WHOLE thing is a brain fart.**

**Anyway I hope everyone's enjoying, I have a tone of stuff to do with university and such so I don't really have all that much time but I will do my best to keep a steady pace on this. you know…like the steady pace of a sloth, or a slug if I'm feeling up to it. *sigh* :L**


	4. The Birdman Mr Sue

"The brave adventurous novelist continued to ride his trusty steed through the thick deceptive forest," Mr. Sue narrated softly as Edwardvampirelover trotted along the nicely lit path. "He knew nothing of the dangers that awaited him within the dark twisted vegetation, but he would continue to proceed until he made it to the novelists convention and wowed all the other writers with the awe inspiring awesomeness of his narrating sk-"

Mr. Sue halted in his speech when he saw a fork in the road up ahead. There was a sign that said "keep out, danger ahead" pointing to the left.

It looked dark and very unsanitary,

To the right the sign read 'take this way if you want to live.' So given the two options Mr. Sue decided that he should take the left road because he knew the age old truth that signs always lie and are out to get you. Little did Mr Sue know that he was right, since the left sign did indeed lead to a safe place, and the right side went straight to a hungry pack of wolves.

However, accidentally, Mr. Sue avoided both of these options by going straight down the middle, thereby getting himself hopelessly lost.

'So many damn trees, you would think this was a forest or something." Mr. Sue muttered angrily to his pet horse, "good thing I'm a Sue, there's bound to be a knight in shining armor or a broody loner on a motorcycle waiting to rescue me from this place. If only Gary Stew were here to save me."

Mr. Sue stopped to take a break while he began to talk aimlessly to his horse.

"Oh Edwardo, sometimes I think you're the only one who gets me in this messed up world, when I'm alway being held down by the man. I'm a free bird dammit, and anybody who disagrees with me is a fussy old grampa or the village idiot!" Being a horse, Edwardo (formerly known as Edwardvampirelover) could only ney in response though you could be sure he was secretly planning to ditch crazy old man as soon as he could before he got them both into real trouble.

Suddenly Mr. Sue heard a whisper rustling menacingly through the leaves, "_Your vocabulary is limited at best._"

Mr. Sue was taken aback by the fact the wind seemed to be criticizing his writing.

"Stupid wind, you're just jealous because I can write better than you can."

There was a sudden round of high pitched laughing coming from all around him, as if to mock his very existence, which they were.

Within the shadow's he could see the frightening smirks of a gang of trollers as they came through the darkness.

"OhGodno... Trolls?!" Mr. Sue exclaimed in fear and surprise, only just able to stop himself from letting out a high pitched shriek. "Oh Gawd! We gotta to get outta here Edwardo!"

There was another round of laughter and yelling before the leader revealed himself. The lead troller stepped into the light and pointed at Mr. Sue, "Your grammar sucks old man, I've seen toddlers with better prose."

"Old man?" murmured as his eyes filled with tears.

"You have no initial conflicting your story, how's it suppose to catch the reader's attention," came another sinister cackle.

Mr. Sue looked up in surprise, "I think they're insulting me Edwardo... Only my super awesome moves can get me outta this sticky situation, eh Edwardo? Eddy..."

Mr. Sue looked beside him where his horse had been standing, however the place was empty, as it turned out the horse had long abandoned it's mentally unstable master to his doom.

"Stupid horse," muttered Mr. Sue as the trolls began to close on him.

"Well looks like I have dance my way by myself."

As Mr. Sue prepared to break dance himself out of this truly dark situation, the leader troll, in his dark leather trench-coat laughed aloud, "look like we have a Sue, trolls."

Every Sue in the village Sue knew that the main predator of the sues were the trollers who fed on the pain and anguish that the sues felt when ever their work was flamed. They would gang up on them online and pick them off, one by one.

However when out in the open, like Mr. Sue was, every Sue would be a sitting duck.

They all began to chant menacingly as they circled around their victim, "_Sue! Sue! Sue!_" All the while shouting hurtful comments about his writing and dance moves. Soon Mr. Sue was so distraught he could dance no more and ran away.

Mr. Sue ran as fast as he could but the emotionally crippling words of trolls filled his ears.

However Mr. Sue managed to escape them by cleverly falling down several cliffs until he came to sudden stop when he hit the fence of a large estate.

Mr. Sue, at first temporarily brain damaged, thought he was a bird and tried to fly over the fence. However, managed to fall into it, thereby, releasing the hook and locking it behind him as he fell through.

The trollers, disliking the idea of falling down the ten cliffs Mr. Sue had, abandoned the chase and dispersed to their basements where they would continue to troll online.

Mr. Sue on the other hand recovered from his slight delusion for a few moments to make his way to the door of an enormous mansion, cloaked in the dark shadow of a large storm cloud above it.

He stumbled inside the front door, creating a huge ruckus as he did so, alerting the appliances.

"What was that crash?" Gasped the telephone as it watched the old stumble to his feet flapping his arms around as if her were some large flightless duck.

"Le Crash!" exclaimed the lamp as he watched the man fall to the base of the table he was set on.

"Oh shut up Lumier, no one care's your french," grumbled the vibrant alarm clock.

"_Eef_ I had a mouth I would _speet_ on you!" Shouted the lamp startling the surprisingly clumsy bird-man. "besides, zees man needs our help."

"The master will not be please this," grumbled the clock once more, staring at the man as he seemed to peck at the ground with his nose.

"The master isn't pleased with anything, dearie, the least we can do is offer him a comfortable... um _roust_."

"The master can _kees_ ma shiny metal base. He never uses me anymore, I AM SO FED UP WISS ZEES... AND YOU!"

"I would punch you if I had hands, he can't stay, the master would throw a fit and troll us all," growled the clock as he hopped towards the lamp, enraged.

"You two pipe down, can't you see he's just a poor man with nowhere to go, we can't just throw him out." Pleaded the phone, the kindest and most compassionate of the lot.

"I'M A PRETTY BIRDIE!" squawked the bird man who was the delusional Mr. Sue.

The gather of electronics turned to the bird man with expression of confusion. "Eeeh okay, monsieur..." spoke the lamp.

"GAAHHHHH!? A TALKING LAMP!" Mr. Sue, gasped, finally being shaken out of his daydream by the talking artifacts.

"Believe me, he can do more than talk," the clock piped up, "he also does cheap French accidents."

"_Cheap!_ I'll show you cheap, you piece of _plastique!_"

"Bring it on!" Shouted the clock as he once again began to charge the lamp.

"Stop it or I'll dump both your batteries out!" Ringed the phone at last, silencing everyone.

* * *

Deep inside the mansion walls, the threats of violence and the back and forth's reached the lower level's of the basement, distracting the resident of the lowest level of the large house.

* * *

"Excuse us peculiar bird-man, we meant no offence, things get a bit tense around here," chirped the kindly telephone, appearing to smile with her digits.

"H-how are you all talking-" Mr. Sue whispered, afraid that another argument like the last would break out if he said anything disagreeable.

"_Vee_ are under a horrible cu-"

"Shut up Lumier! We don't do spoilers here."

"_Weell_ you shut _eet_ spazz," countered the lamp as the phone began to lead the bird-man, aka Mr. Sue to the den.

"Uh.. well that is very kind of you inanimate objects, but I really should be going, and I am Mr. Sue, not Mr. 'birdman'."

"Oh we just assumed since you were clucking like a chicken, our mistake... but you must stay, there have been trollers all over the premace. I'm afraid they won't be gone till' morning and of course you're welcome to stay here for the night."

"That's very kind of you," smiled Mr. Sue, "you really have to be nicest phone I have ever met."

"Oh well, my honour, thank you Mr. Sue, we do what we can."

"Are all of you living in this giant place," asked Mr. Sue with an interested gleam in his eye as he gazed around at the beautiful high ceilings and elegant portraits until they reached the den and Mr. Sue sat down in a large chair next to a fireplace adjacent to it.

"We all live here, though there are many more of us in the other halls." Replied the phone cheerily as she skillfully lifted a blanket with her handle onto Mr. Sue to keep him warm.

"Well you have met _Spazzy Mc Spazzignton_ over _zere," g_rumbled the lamp as he shot his clock nemesis a dirty look.

"How interesting, a talking lamp, I've never seen one with a face and everything before, it must be what all the kids have these days." Remarked Mr. Sue who probably would have been reacting to this with more fright rather than enthusiasm if he had not suffered the enormous bump to his head. As it was, Mr. Sue just assumed all of the strange oddities he had just seen were a part of his vague daydream.

"Oh- Here's my son, Chip," came the phone as a friendly little Ipod jumped up onto the arm rest and beamed up at him.

"Hi!" exclaimed the Ipod happily, "I'ma 6 years old," squeaked Chip excitedly as Mr. Sue picked him up carefully and began to scroll.

"Wonderful, I can update my Fanfic right from here!" Grinned Mr. Sue, however as soon as he said those words, a strong wind blew through the room and extinguished the fire that had been lit in the fireplace. All the lights went out, even the excited lamp was dimmed in the presence of the new person entering the room, who had also come to investigate the visitor

"Fanfic, eh?" came a dark and cruel voice, seeming curl in the very air, "I thought we all knew what to do with old men who write old fanfic's in this place... I suppose I'll have to make an example of him so we don't forget next time..."

Mr. Sue fell out of the seat as the terrifying voice chilled his very bones, haunting him as he heard heavy footsteps come up from behind the chair.

"So what's it about old man? Since you're so brave to declare it in my house, tell me-"

Mr. Sue dared to look over his shoulder, but only at the ground, where he beheld a pair of monstrous feat.

"Oh ah yes, master, well he was lost in _zee_ woods and seemed to think he vas a bird so we let him inside..." the lamp tried to speak up, but his words died in the silence, before a dark snicker went through the room, obviously by Mr. Sue's unknown visitor.

"Is that so?" spoke the voice, a cruel smile curling on the last word. "Well, he'll just see how inhospitable it is here."

The clock, who had ket silent up until then spoke quietly as he turned to the voice, "Uh, Sir, I wasn't quite sure whether I should warn you about that alarm thing tomorrow morning-"

Suddenly, there was a loud roar close to Mr. Sue, somewhere in the darkness. At the sound of the terrifying roar, the novelist had the sudden urge to scuttle quickly away like a frightened chicken, but he subdued that urge and instead faced his unknown attacker, but this, as it turned out, only increased his fear.

"_Gah!?_" Mr. Sue gasped out in surprise as he stared at what appeared to be an enormous _real_ troll with green skin, pointy ears, piercing blue eyes, a large beak-like nose, sharp, gruesome teeth and an over all plain ugly appearance. The troll was also fashionably dressed though this did not detract from his horrid appearance.

"_What?_ Haven't you seen a troll before," the monster before him snorted in derision, but Mr. Sue was so afraid for his life that he could not speak and only managed to gawk at the troll through the complete darkness, trembling on the floor. "No? _Well, we'll have to fix that then_."

Mr. Sue gathered up some courage and began to speak rather quickly as the troll approached him from ahead.

"_I'msosorry_youmustnotknowwhoIam-founderofthevillageSueyoumigh thaveheardofme-I'msorryforinconveniencing-Icanseey ouarequitebusywithyourtalkingappliancessoI'lljustg onow-"

"_Shut up,_" muttered the troll as he picked Mr. Sue off his feat allowing him to stand as he glared from above, being very tall. "So you're a Sue as well are you... _figures._" The troll seemed to regard Mr. Sue with distaste but he let a sinister chuckle rise in his chest as he stared upon the quivering mess that was the terrified Mr. Sue.

"_Well I'm just going to give you a flame you won't soon forget._"

The novelist looked up at the troll in fear, his eyes wide, as the front of his jacket was grabbed by one enormous green hand.

"No, no please! No! _Noooooooo!_"

* * *

**That...Took...Awhile...forgivemeplease 3:**

**So, unlike the beast the troll is more vocal, he gets people to fear him from his very presence (whether or not they can see him) rather than his appearance though when seen he is still horrifically frightening.**

**I know... took a long time, first time my sister and I were actually able to work on it together.**

**I basically picture him as a weaker-looking uruk hai thing, if it's okay to work off those designs from lord of the ring's ^-^'**

**I'll be drawing a picture of him later anyway.**

**The troll torture him or anything, he just locks him up like in the movie :3 no worries for poor Mr. Sue**

**ps: like many Sue's , Mr. Sue likes to change the name of their horse to whatever's trendy, to keep thing's fresh :D Edwardo seemed to fit better too c:**

**humantrollers=wolves**


	5. A Manly Love

Back in Sue...

"Wow, Mary's gonna get the surprise of her life, huh Gary..." Stew's smile lessened as he watched Gary from behind, "Why are you looking into her window?"

Gary's bug eyed look was directed to Stew for a moment and then quickly returned to the window.

"Its a romantic gesture, Stew. I'm trying to find out more about her, like her hobbies and likes and dislikes," Gary whispered with his eyes glued to the window. "I can only find that out if I watch her go about her daily life."

Stew glanced into the window. "She's asleep."

"It's romantic to watch a girl while she sleeps," Gary scoffed, "honestly, has Edward taught you nothing?"

"Is it also romantic to break into a girls house with a bobby pin?" Stew asked.

Gary paused in his lock picking and let out a chuckle. "Stew, you clearly have a thing or two to learn about women," Gary smiled at his not so cool companion. "Just like Sidekick from my fan fiction. You are a lot like Sidekick, he's not as cool and as awesome as his best friend and hero, Daring Dew."

"I think you stole that name from My little-"

"They can't prove nothin'!" Gary yelled and Stew put his hands up and backed away slowly. "Bloody Bronies."

A fuming Gary Stew continued to pick at the lock while occasionally glancing in the window to look at Mary.

With a final frustrated stab into the lock, Gary stood with a determined look in his eye. "My bobby pin won't fit into the lock!" he screamed.

Stew sighed in exasperation. "That's because the key is in the lock."

"This lock is clearly possessed with dark magic," Gary said triumphantly. "But I shall defeat it with my gun."

"If said possessed lock was actually magical, would it only be defeated by magic?" Stew whispered softly as Gary tossed the gun repeatedly.

"Fine Stew, with my magical gun, I shall defeat this foe."

"If you say so Gary..." Stew backed up slowly and jumped to shelter behind the nearest bush.

Gary paused. "Stew I need a witty line whilst I vanquish this evil foe."

Stew looked up thoughtfully while he hid behind the bush.

"Uh... the bigger they are, the harder they fall?" Stew smiled hesitantly.

"No, no that's no good, it's gotta have umph! Something that's speaks to the people!"

"What people?" Stew asked as he gazed around at the empty open field.

"Heroic Line stew, this magical gun won't stay magical forever!"

"Uhh... when life gives you lemons you make lemonade." Stew smiled hopefully, preparing to duck in case Gary turned the gun on him.

"_Perfect_, LEMONADE IT IS!" Gary screamed, as he shot the door repeatedly.

Mary awoke in fright to find Gary Stew, kicking down the front door, which was now riddled with bullet holes

"That's not quite the saying Gary," Stew muttered as he followed closely behind.

"I made it better," Gary proclaimed loudly.

"What happened to my door? Door... happened? Why..." Mary whispered in confusion and what she was considering an illusion, wide eyes staring at Gary.

"My love," Gary whispered in his deep sexy voice, "I have saved you from your possessed door."

Mary, coming out of her confusion, slapped her face, "I knew that lock was out to get me," Mary whispered under her breath, "well thanks Gary... why are you here?"

"Ah, yes of course- Stew. _The fan_."

Stew quickly retreated behind the door only to come back and place fan in front of Gary.

"I have waited a long time Ms. Mary-" Stew turned the fan on, sending a breezy through Gary's untamed man hair. "If my heart expands with any more love, it would break my chest for love of you, it is too great for any man to bear; your beauty is like- effulgent like the summer sun, and the winter moon or the moon of the universe with magical teardrop universe- unicorns- uh... dolphins... why you're very pretty."

"Uh... thank you." Mary smiled, "but I really don't think I'm as pretty... as whatever that was..."

Gary smiled confidently as he turned to wink back at Stew, who gave a thumbs up.

"Oh Mary, but you are so much more than dolphin tears-" he bent down on one knee, as Mary tried frantically to shuffle her way out of the bed, "you're sweet beautiful perfectness, has encouraged me to give up my badassery ways, and has taught this lone wolf, gangster -with a troubled past- and heart of jerk, to love again."

Mary who had made it half way out the back door, turned to face him, "okay... well I'll just be going now-" Mary whispered slowly as she bolted for the door, but was stopped as Gary began once more.

"You have saved the most handsome, wonderful, gorgeous and beautiful of man-"

"-men-" Stew correct softly from behind.

"OF MEN!" Gary proclaimed once more, "You healed my broken soul, and tamed my wild man-heart... I can no longer imagine life without you beside... my life in ever living life- where living is love- in life..." Gary trailed off slightly as he stared deeply into Mary's fluorescent pink eyes.

"Hot damn," Stew muttered as he rolled his eyes slightly.

"Oh Mary, let's stop this witty banter and give in to our desires- Mary will yah' marry-" Gary gazed around, however, as it turned out Mary had fled after the life speech, "-me."

Gary stood up and looked around the room, stunned.

"Huh, she must have been... _so in love_... she ran away-" Stew spoke slowly as Gary stood and watched the wide open door.

"Oh no Stew, I fear it is much worse-" Gary whispered ominously, "Mary has been kidnapped!"

"Of course-" Stew thought for a moment, however slowly realized what Gary was thinking, "please tell me you don't think the l-"

"The lock has struck again!" Gary shouted to the ceiling, "do not fear, Mary, I will find you!"

Meanwhile...

"Running! Running! Running! Running! Run-" Mary kept repeating as she booked it up the hill, fleeing for her life though she stopped once more to engage in song, quitetly so Gary would not hear her.

"Oh- mis-ter- Ga-ry- I can't believe it... this hill is steeper than I thought-" Mary puffed as she crawled the rest of the way up the hill, landing in a pile of dandelions.

"I should accept... this should be perfect.. But my heart keeps screaming 'I can-not!'"

Enchanting music rose up in the background as Mary stood.

"There's something out there- calling me- I feel it! Not quite sure what I'm talking about..." Mary mumbled softly, though a sad look came upon her face.

"And I don't know why I run- from the love of the chosen one... But I want so much more than per-fec-tion."

Suddenly, Edwardo stormed up the hill from the forest as Mary quickly hid behind the patch of dandelions.

Once she realized it was not Gary on his manly quest to destroy all doorknobs, she also noticed that her father was strangely absent.

She checked to see if he had passed out on the horse's back, which he often did, but her father was nowhere in sight.

Suddenly a rush of fear flooded Mary's noble heart, "Edwardo, where is Daddy? What if he's stuck in a tree? Or forced to break dance? _Or a hoard of trolls attacked him after he went got lost because he refuses to trust signs_!?" Mary looked towards the dark forest, her eyes wide with fear but unyielding as she thought of what horrid things might have happened to her father, "he's probably stuck in a tree..."

**My cat and sister has betrayed me, so I'm writing this alone, in the dark pretty sad and alone, not mention alone...**

**WERTYUIHGFDFGHJKJHGFGHJ btw I loved writing Gary**


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